Selected definitions of “home” (American Heritage Dictionary):
A place where one lives.
One’s close family and one’s self.
An environment or haven of shelter, of happiness and love.
The small town where I’ve lived for 12 years is certainly “a place where one lives” and “one’s close family and one’s self”. There is a haven of sorts here and shelter and certainly love and happiness in our house (although certainly also, at times, human annoyances and strife and such).
But, I think what I am longing for is home in a more spacious sense – a community and landscape that I might cherish; a place that I would feel fortunate to live in; an environment in which I could find beauty and joy – even in times of difficulty. In fact, an environment that might ease difficulties by it’s beauty.
It’s easy to ignore my strong feelings for such a community and to instead tell myself that I am lucky to have a pleasant house that is paid for, a husband that I love, and good health. Surely that should be enough in one’s sixties… It’s so easy to criticize myself. It’s so easy to tell myself that “one” can be happy wherever “one” is, or to “grow where you are planted” and countless other cliches.
This is one of my core questions and quests right now. It seems that a lot of my inner work in the near future will evolve around this issue.
No answers right now.