A friend was telling me about another spiritual-type workshop that she was going to next week. It did sound fascinating! She’s told me about numerous spiritual and/or Jungian workshops and groups that she’s attended over the past 5 or so years – many in New Mexico. I started feeling jealous that I can’t afford to go to such groups. I actually said that I was a little envious of her and she replied that she did feel luckey that she was able to attend.
As I was driving home, I realized that I don’t actually feel jealous or envious. It was an old pattern – an almost automatic reaction to hearing her news – definitely not a real response. I remembered that I often don’t feel comfortable in such groups or with their leaders – particularly as I get older. I don’t want that type of structure right now. I need to be guided by my own “Self” as best I can now and talk with others on a more informal basis. And, not be as ready as I used to be to assign “authority” to someone else. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I have all the answers, but I am trusting more and more that I will be led where I need to go and that I will have the money to do what I “need” to do. Or, as Helen Luke says – to do what is “essential” for me to do.
I regret saying that I was envious, but perhaps I had to say it out loud before I could hear myself. Then, I could understand that I am changing.