Marion Woodman in her book, ” The Pregnant Virgin“:
“The puella mother who has never taken up residence in her own body, and therefore fears her own chthonic nature, is not going to experience pregnancey as a quiet meditation with her unborn child, or birth as a joyful bonding experience. Although she may go through the motions of natural childbirth, the psyche/soma split in her is so deep that physical bonding between her and her baby daughter does not take place. Her child lives with a profound sense of despair, a despair which becomes conscious if in later years she does active imagination with her body and releases waves of grief and terror that resonate with the initial, primal rejection.”
OK – I don’t remember ever reading this before last week – but it is exactly what I have been going through the past several years. Actual, literal “waves of grief and terror”! It is so helpful to hear it from Marion Woodman – to hear that what has been happening to me is real and that it has happened to other women and – that I’m not “crazy”!!!
Another quote that has been resonating with me in the last few days is from “The Moonlit Path”. It is a book of essays on the dark feminine. This quote is from the essay by Cedrus N. Monte. “Experiences of despair and loss of connection — even after breakthrough, life-changing events, extensive analysis, and a profound sense of communion with the forces of nature and spirit — have led me to believe, and growingly accept that my own path leads me repeatedly on pilgrimages to the inner shrine of darkness, not because I am morally deficient, nor because I am depressed, and not because there’s some form of enlightenment or personal maturation that I am just not ‘getting’. Rather, I am led to the shrine of darkness because, in spite of a desire to consistently experience the peace and happiness of a certain spiritual liberation, the mournful face of God abides within me and wants to be seen, and loved, through my eyes. At this shrine I have learned to love when I experience nothing to love.”
(The phrase “The Mournful Face of God” is the title of a poem by Pablo Neruda.)